RIP Joan Rivers

US comedian Joan Rivers has died at the age of 81. Throughout her career, she was renowned for her many acid-tongued pearls of wisdom

See Her Stand Up Routine Here

Here are some of my favourite Joan ‘One Liners’

 

“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents”

 

“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking”

 

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery”

 

“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

“All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.”

 

“The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.”

 

“I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.”

 

“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day”

 

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
 

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
 

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. Things are happening.”
 

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
 

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
 

“Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”
 

“I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
 

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property”
 

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made”
 

“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”
 

“I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them”
 

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on”

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century”

 

“Looking 50 is great – if you’re 60.”

 

“You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”

 

“I said to my husband, ‘my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs’. He said, “Blue goes with everything.”

“When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.”

 

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

 

“I must admit I’m nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

 

“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’. For me that would be a shroud.”

 

“I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’. He said, “I don’t want to wake you up.”

“I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.”

 

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

 

“My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.”

 

“Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.”

 

“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing: ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.'”

 

“When I was born, my mother asked the doctor: ‘Will she live?’. He said, ‘Only if you take your foot off her throat’.”

 

 

 

2 Comments on "RIP Joan Rivers"

  1. LOL This is a great post, Kathryn! Joan Rivers was one of my favorites!!

  2. Thanks Kevin. But this credit needs to go to the incredible Davin!!! She was a seriously funny lady though!

Comments are closed.