I look like crap. I have not had a bath for a few days now, I have stubble but not in a good way, my breath stinks and there are what I think are lumps of regurgitated food all down my t-shirt and shorts although frankly I hope that is what it is as that is the best case scenario – the room smells like a care home
I am not a bum, I am a Dad, a father of four the youngest of which is 9 months old so I feel experienced enough to give you my top 6 pieces of advice for New Dads
Congratulations – You Are Now A Responsible Adult
Having Kids is a complete game changer in every respect and your life will never be the same again. You will look at the world and everything in it in a completely different light.
Whereas previously, if somebody sped through the neighbourhood in their open top Porsche you would think ‘Nice Car’ you now think ‘Slowdown Asshole!’
Whether you like it or not you are now personally responsible for the life of another human being. Enjoy it, get involved, don’t be that guy that doesn’t take responsibility, instead throw yourself into the wonderful messy and chaotic world of being a parent and know that whether you are 14 or 40 you are now an adult – deal with it
Learn The Art Of Bribery
Although not many people will actually admit to this being a parent involves a lot of bribery. As we all know too well everything in life comes with a cost and that includes keeping the little darlings quiet whilst you work on soothing your migraine
Candy is your children’s crack cocaine and you are their dealer. Use it wisely otherwise they will end up with no teeth and diabetes but pretty soon you will be using the parental favourite of ‘As long as you promise to be good…’
Use Your TV for remote child control
Your TV used to be used for fun stuff such as Monday night football or your favourite movie but it will now transform into the ultimate digital babysitter. You may try to convince yourself that you will not allow your offspring’s minds to be corrupted by the box but just wait until you discover the power of your TV to transfix your children allowing you valuable respite. It would be great if there was such a thing as a remote control for your kids but your TV is the next best thing.
Just a few words of wisdom here. Breaking Bad is not acceptable as suitable viewing for your children and is no way educational nor can South Park or Family Guy be in any way justified simply because they are cartoons
Admittedly some of the kids shows that I am forced to watch with my kids make me want to lose the will to live and frankly I believe that nobody can be as nice as Barney without some kind of hidden agenda.
If you do have to watch TV with your kids try to introduce shows which are kid friendly but won’t turn your brain to mush. I recommend The Wiggles – they are Australian and used to be in a band before they decided to become children’s entertainers and they seem like a decent bunch of guys that I would definitely have a beer with which is more than I can say for Barney. Just be careful though; you need to be watching the original Wiggles. If they are fronted by a dippy girl and a gormless giant then you are watching the ‘new’ wiggles after they sold out and cashed in to retire somewhere far far away from children
Get Used To Being Smothered In Bodily Fluids
Whilst single; this might actually be appealing to you but unfortunately with children this takes on a whole new meaning
If you are of a squeamish disposition, have an obsession with cleanliness or insist on cleaning your laptop keyboard with one of those mini vacuum cleaners than fatherhood is going to come as a shock to you .
There used to be a kids show in the UK when I was young called TISWAS and one of the features of the show was the gunge machine. Basically this involved emptying a huge amount of slime over the head of the guest of the day and having kids is a bit like this. Snot, poo, wee, earwax, blood – any moment you know that you are going to be slimed
I suggest that you watch the entire first series of Grey’s Anatomy just to get yourself used to the sudden, random appearance of the various bodily fluids that will at any time splatter all over you.
Are you Going To Get Any?
I know we are not supposed to talk about this but I’m European so I can get away with it
Let me put it like this; she will be up 5-6 times a night feeding your child, she will be exhausted will most likely suffer from post natal depression and will be concerned about her recently arrived stretch marks. Her top half has transformed into a food delivery system whilst below is recovering from expelling your new-born whose head is the size of a melon
Sorry but there is no way to sugar this pill; it’s time to get a hobby; this is how most golfers got started
Be there for your children
Those magic moments are fleeting and will never be repeated. In just the blink of an eye the kid that is currently wrapping their arms around you tightly and thinks that you are the best person in the universe will be shut up in their room wearing black lip gloss and listening to Thrash metal. Don’t let the child minder be the first person to see your child’s first steps or hear their first word. If you can, start a home based business so YOU are there to experience the magic of them growing up. Click on the links for more information on how to do this.